Dear Heather,
I did not practice chastity before marriage, and am regretting it. Though I know in my heart if/when my daughter asks specific questions about my sexuality, I can't and won't lie to her, wondered if you had any encouraging words about how to handle this to maximize the "do as I say not as I did" effect. Thanks.
Signed,
Regretful Parent
Dear Regretful Parent,
I truly admire your sincerity and strong desire to be a positive role model to your daughter. Although I am not a parent of teens, I will try to answer this from a teen's perspective-how they would be most impacted for the better, from your past. We have found, in ministry, that a regretful sexual story is often very powerful. Sure, it is good to have a witness that has withstood the temptation (a hope I'm sure you have for your daughter). However, many successful ministers are not without notorious pasts, and this experience can give their witness credibility. Those without sexual pasts (such as myself) can sometimes be blown off as naïve - with teens thinking, "She does not know what she is missing!" Although a virgin-until-marriage story is very powerful, your story contains an element that mine does not...experience. Although it's not a positive experience, it is a way in which you grew and learned more about life, yourself and sex.
My suggestion to you is to wait for the right moment...when she's asking and open and you're at a good time and place to respond with a heart-felt answer. Pray for that moment, pray for the words to say. Don't delay too much, however, as 15 isn't young these days, especially if she's already boy-crazy. When the time is right, tell her your story. If she is not into guys yet, you can delay the discussion for a little while longer.
Be honest as to why you had sex...didn't know about chastity? Too caught up in a relationship? Trying to impress? Had no idea the consequences it would bring? (I don't know your reasons, but I'm sure you can recall them.) Then, let her know what your experience was like...was it as wonderful as the movies show? Did it help your relationship? How did your relationship with God change? (If you're a dad, how did that change your respect for women?) Then, be honest about why you regret it. What were the all consequences that hit you then and still confront you today? What happened to your relationships and how does (or did) it take anything away from your marriage or wedding night? However, this discussion also needs delicacy...don't go overboard. Don't tell her a ton more than she's asked. More than likely, she'll come back to you with more questions in the future.
Sex is mysterious to teens. Don't let friends, the media or especially boy/girlfriends be the ones to de-mystify it for your kids. Let your walls down and show them the pain of pre-marital sex that you have carried. The biggest sex question for teens constantly confronting them is...why must I wait? Your honest story can give them a glimpse into the mystery of sex while sincerely answering that question from a personal perspective.
Another encouragement I would give is that you and your spouse begin (or continue) to be open about the beauty of sex within marriage. Although I cringed at my parents for all the funky things they might have said or loving things they did, I'm so glad that marital sex and intimacy was something I could look forward to. I saw how it pulled them together and how their "date nights" often renewed their relationship renewal. Sex in marriage is, in fact, a renewal of the wedding vows. My parents tried to speak of that reality and show it to us when they could. They also spoke positively about how their union brought from new life - what a gift and treasure sex was to each of them in their marriage. I learned sex is not bad, but so good in the right context, and did not feel naïve when it came to sexual matters (naïve is different from pure).
Please consider checking out the Chastity Challenge portion of our website, including the Q & A from teens. You might find some of the material helpful in talking positively to your teen about chastity. It would be good to be able to easily compare the hurt of your past with the benefits of chastity. Teens often choose to have sex because they only hear that it's bad not to do so. They often do not hear the alternative - if you choose chastity, you are not just avoiding negative consequences, but you are embracing so many powerful, present and life-long benefits.
Be assured of my prayers for you and your daughter.