What They Haven’t Told Me…
…The Hidden Traps of Sex Outside Marriage

The problem with the media (movies, TV, music, etc.) and the safe sex message is that sex is perceived as merely a physical act.

The truth is, however, that the emotional, spiritual and intellectual aspects of sex are always present, to some degree, when the physical act takes place. Therefore, individuals either try give all of themselves in pre-marital sexual experiences (all of their body, heart, soul and mind), and then are torn apart when the relationship ends. Or individuals learn to not give all of themselves in pre-marital sex to avoid major pain if the relationship would fail—which leads to a devaluation of sex and lack of intimacy skills when someone wants the “other” aspects to be present (read Epidemic of Bad Sex in Marriage).

Below is a list of the dangers that are always present when sex is outside of marriage (the only true commitment). Not everything listed necessarily happens to everyone, in every sexual experience. However, all of them are very real possibilities and happen on a regular basis to teens and adults alike. There are too many of them, my friends, to take lightly. If you think you can dodge all consequences, or that some of them won’t affect you and your future marriage in powerful ways, you’re kidding yourself—you are not invincible.

Even more importantly, every time you have pre-marital sex, you are putting your partner in a situation where they can experience any or all of the following consequences. How loving or caring is it to put people in emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical danger? True love wants what is best for the other; endangering someone, for any reason, is not love. How would you like to be responsible for ruining someone’s life or putting them through a great deal of unnecessary hurt? How satisfied would you be if their future marriage goes through serious problems because sex isn’t as important or intimate as it should be? Sex without any possible regrets can only be experienced in marriage. Outside of marriage, there is always the risk…are you willing to risk yourself or the one you’re with to experience ANY of the following?

Emotional (Psychological) Traps of Pre-Marital Sex

1. WORRY ABOUT PREGNANCY, STD’s and AIDS
2. REGRET
3. GUILT
4. LOSS OF SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-ESTEEM
5. THE CORRUPTION OF CHARACTER AND THE DEVALUING OF SEX
6. SHAKEN TRUST AND FEAR OF COMMITMENT
7. RAGE OVER BETRAYAL
8. DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE
9. RUINED RELATIONSHIPS
10. STUNTING PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
    This list was taken from “The Emotional Dangers of Premature Sexual Involvement” by Thomas Lickona, NAC Advisory Council Member (once posted on abstinence.net).
11. CONFUSED EVALUATION OF FUTURE SPOUSE
    When a couple is physical, especially to the degree of having sex, they tend to become partially blinded to an individual’s failings, and often only focus on someone’s good traits. Have you ever heard something like “He’s really not that bad. He’s a great guy when he’s not beating up my brother.” There are many rationalizations that can take place so that some people feel justified in staying in relationships they know are not the best for them. In marriage, this partial blindness can be very good, as it helps couples overcome minor problems before they tear each other apart. Outside of marriage, minor problems are often hidden major problems that couples refuse to deal with. When you are sexually active with someone, you are not at a good place to evaluate someone’s character. This can lead to a devastating marriage decision.
12. LACK OF BONDING THROUGH SEX IN MARRIAGE
    Read The Epidemic of Bad Sex in Marriage [0].

Spiritual Traps of Pre-Marital Sex

1. Ghosts in Marriage

   Even if someone is only involved in several other “serious” relationships before they get married, these sexual experiences become a part of their marriage as well—remember you share your soul with each sexual encounter. Comparisons to lovers of the past can undermine the intimacy of a marriage and can make a couple feel as though others contribute to their private sharing of intercourse. “If I knew that my husband had been with others before me, I would always wonder if I was as good as them, if he was hoping I’d be better, and if what we shared was possibly a let-down to him after all he’s experienced. I’d be perfectly happy learning sex together so that everything we share is truly private and more intimate than imaginable.”

2. Isolation from God

   If someone’s relationship with God is even remotely important to them, pre-marital sex is something that could shatter his/her faith-life. Pre-marital sex is a serious, mortal sin (for all Judo-Christian faiths). God has made this a sin so that none of His children will be hurt in such damaging ways, and they can enjoy the fulfilling gift of sex in marriage. When we sin, we are stepping away from God and His awesome plan for our lives. We are taught that God is the source of true, unconditional love. When we walk away from God, we walk away from what should be the most important, most loving relationship we have. We cut ourselves off from God’s love and many abandon their faith entirely to rationalize their desire to enjoy sex outside of marriage. How willing are you to walk away from God? Are you willing to risk the salvation of yourself or your partner? This is MAJOR!!!

If you’re dealing with any of these consequences from sexual activity, or already have gone too far physically, there is still hope. You can start fresh to and avoid many of these dangers from this point on through the gift of starting over - you can have a second chance [0].

By Heather Gallagher
The REAP Team