Dear Heather,
Sometimes I wonder if I might be homosexual. I sometimes have those thoughts and am attracted to other boys. Does this mean I must be gay or is it possible to not be gay and still have some thoughts about it. I don't think I am, but do not know anymore. I feel strange having the thoughts, but maybe this means I was born gay. What do you think?
Dear Friend,
I highly encourage you to consider these three ideas that have really helped me better understand why young people have attractions to those of the same sex. You are certainly not the first person to ask this question and I believe there are many others who have such thoughts but do not say a word. I hope this helps.
1. It's natural and normal to have confusing attractions in your teenage or even young adult years.
As you are still figuring out your identity, it's completely normal to ask the questions...what makes me feel good about myself, with whom am I most comfortable, why do I like this person so much and not that person very much, does my desire to be close to this person go beyond friendship, why or why not?
The Teenage Insecurity for Boys...
They often say that many boys who start experiencing with same-sex behaviors do so because they never felt very strong in their masculinity, never felt like a "real guy" or "one of the guys". They desire intimacy with a guy because they are longing for more masculinity in their lives. Instead of seeking out healthy male friendships or a strong male mentor in their life, their desire for more masculinity turns sexual. This isn't too shocking in our oversexed world. What started as a normal insecurity that most guys experience on some level, some more than others, turns into same-sex attractions. If these young men only knew that it's normal to feel insecure as a teen, to wonder, "Am I man enough?", they may not turn to sexualizing these feelings. They could instead turn to God and healthy male role models for the answer. Many men I know who have same-sex attractions lack a strong father in their life. If he didn't grow up with a dad telling him that he is a strong young man on a regular basis, these doubts of masculinity can be very powerful. And, in the middle of the insecurity, the luring question, "Am I man enough?", if other teens labeled this young man as "gay", it's no wonder that it would be an easy lifestyle to fall into. In addition, I know countless guys who were convinced by other men with same-sex attraction to "come out of the closet". Whether these guys were just struggling with some insecurity or were really starting to become attracted to other guys, the pressure to fit into a category and stop feeling insecure can be very persuasive.
Teenage Insecurity for Girls...
For women, the issues are a little different. In a very few occasions, women can feel less than a woman and desire another woman sexually/romantically to acquire femininity. In some cases, it can just be some insecurity around guys or failure to keep a guy's attention romantically. This could come from having a poor father figure who never taught them that they were lovable by men. Women might also be comfortable or attracted to characteristics of women that men often lack, such as compassion, sensitivity, etc. Sadly, many young women today act out sexually with other women solely to impress guys. They might enjoy the experience, feeling it's not as rough or tough as with a guy, but this is a fleeting feeling. Some young women are attracted to other women because they are "safe" and men seem so dominating and overwhelming. Lastly, the biggest factor which leads women to same-sex attractions is having sexual abuse in their past. I once heard the statistic that 95% of all women claiming to be lesbians had been sexually abused. When women are deeply wounded by men, it's very difficult to open up sexually to men or to even desire sex with men. Without healing from sexual abuse (extensive counseling, prayer, support groups, etc.), a woman's fear of men and desire for female characteristics can turn sexual.
2. The "Gay Gene" has been sought for years, but never been scientifically found. You are not destined for same-sex romances.
Since there are so many factors growing up that can lead one to question their natural desire for the opposite sex, it's no wonder that many teenagers consider the thought that they might be destined for same-sex romances. However, these environmental factors that influence us need not dictate our future. There are many women who have been sexually abused, but are now married with children and have experienced even healing of their sexual memories and pain. There are many men with very poor fathers, who never knew they were "man enough" growing up, yet are now are married with children and know their value as a man. Instead of sexualizing their insecurities and pain, they turned to healthy outlets, often their faith in God, to find their value as a man or woman.
There is actually a genetic link for alcoholism. If it runs in someone's family, you're more prone to become an alcoholic. However, this does not mean that one is destined for alcoholism. I have many friends who are not alcoholics even though it runs in their family. Some drink in moderation, some avoid drinking at all. But, even in the case of alcoholism, where there is a genetic link, one still has the ability to decide his or her future. With same sex attractions, there is not even a genetic link.
Up until the 1970's same-sex attractions were considered disordered by the professional psychological community. They called it disordered because there was no biological rationale for sexuality outside of opposite sex relationships. In the 1970's, the psychology books and some elite professionals stopped calling it a disorder due to political pressure, not scientific facts to prove otherwise. A group of psychologists remain who continue to believe that same-sex attractions are not natural law for humans. On their website, they go into further detail about why they continue to call these attractions disordered, how a gay gene has never been found and how to help people who do find themselves attracted to the same sex. National Association for the Research and Therapy of Homosexuality: www.narth.com [1]
3. Your desires can and will change.
When you were a kid, you desired different things than you desire as a teen. Some our desires dramatically change over the years while some desires stick around for a lifetime but become modified as we change. For example, I almost always wanted to be married with children. But, the type of guy I would marry, the type of family life we would have and even the number of kids we would want have all modified as I have changed and as times goes by.
It might surprise you to know how many people have lived as "homosexuals" but then left the lifestyle. When I started to learn about the Christian view of homosexuality, this was the most startling discovery for me. These websites are just some of the few that give stories of real people who have changed their lives entirely - not just their attractions, but their relationships, friendship, spirituality and more.
Courage - http://couragerc.net/ [2]
Exodus - http://www.exodus.to/ [3]
Narth - http://www.narth.com [4]
If people who have lived this lifestyle for years, acting on their same-sex desires on a regular basis, can change, know that anyone can change. For some of these people, they move into heterosexual relationships, many are even married with children. Some are single and choose to simply not act upon any same sex attractions that they might experience. They know that the desire does not mean that the action needs to follow. You can desire to strangle your little brother, but you need not act on it. I desired to be sexually active with guys before I was married, but I did not act upon it. The desire to kill your brother or for me to fornicate may seem natural due to our fallen human nature, but we were originally, naturally created for love alone. Christ came to restore us from our fallen desires so that we can love like we were designed to love. Through His grace, we can choose to grow in virtues, like chastity and prudence, instead of sin. Living these virtues changes our hearts to be more like Christ, to be more loving, to start to desire love alone.
The bottom line is that we are most fulfilled when we live life the way God originally intended. He created us for one another, to be a gift to one another. In marriage, he created us to actually complete the other person, not just figuratively, but literally as well through our bodies. His natural design for our lives leads us to happiness. I know this is difficult for someone to hear who is struggling with same-sex attractions, but God's best is for all of us. Chastity, respecting and honoring sex so much you keep all sexual acts within marriage (between man and woman), provides the best for everyone. Chastity elevates sex and relationships. God calls us to chastity, no matter our current desires. He offers us more -total love and even fulfillment. But the choice is always ours as to the road we will take.
If you believe in God, know that you can always turn to him for strength. Jesus was a teen once and can lift you up during your teen years - be your best friend, your courage, a source of overflowing love in your life. Go to God in prayer everyday to ask for strength and clarity. If the attractions continue, I encourage you contact the local chapters of Courage if you're Catholic or Exodus if you're not.