Dear Friend,

Thanks for the great question; many people tend to believe that you need to find out if you are sexually compatible with someone before you get married. I, however, disagree. The first reason is personal. My wife and I waited for marriage, and we are wonderfully compatible. As a matter of fact, by waiting for marriage we were able to learn how to love one another well in so many other ways, and were able to more deeply discover one another's hearts, without focusing on our bodies.

My second reason is statistical. Check this out...

"Those who live together before marriage have a 50% higher rate of divorce than even the national average! (Bumpass, Sweet, and Cherlin: The Role of Cohabitation in Declining Rates of Marriage, Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 53, 1991, pp.913-927) So sleeping together first to ensure compatibility does not necessarily make a marriage stronger. Another study says that Couples not sexually involved before marriage and faithful during marriage are more satisfied with their current sex life and also with their marriage compared to those who were involved sexually before their marriage. (Mayo, Larsen, Meier, and Mayo: Behind Closed Doors, unpublished manuscript, Feb, 1994. p. 84-85) Ensuring before marriage that you are sexually compatible does not guarantee that you will enjoy sex more in marriage. The opposite seems to be true."
(this info was from the website - http://www.stanford.edu/group/tlw/dormtalks/socialemotional.html )

My third reason is practical - even animals have sex. I think that just because you can put two bodies together well, which pretty much anyone can do, does not necessarily mean that you should get married. There is so much more to love than sex. And, some people who have had sex before marriage and found that they were sexually compatible have ended up married for a very short time. I once heard a research say that a relationship can survive on good sexual chemistry for three years, but after that there had better be substance to the relationship. I hope you have noticed that many couples who become sexually active outside of marriage become focused on sex to the detriment of the rest of their relationship.

My fourth reason is theological. God says explicitly through Scripture and Church teaching that sex outside of marriage is wrong. I think that God knows what is best for us. If he asks us to wait, and if we do, then I trust that the sex in marriage will end up being just fine, especially since it is practiced according the plan of the Creator of all good things. I tend to believe that sex is actually better if it is according to God's design, just like a car runs better if you care for it according to the owner's manual.

I hope these reasons are helpful. Let me know if I can clarify any of this.

Paul