Dear Heather,
My son in high school has a girlfriend and they have been having sex for several months now. They are very close and refuse to stop having the sex. I try to remind my son of the negative consequences of sex but he just does not seem to be listening. Others think I need to just give up and accept that he will have sex and cannot control himself, but I do not believe this to be true. What can I do?
Dear Parent,
Although I am not yet a parent of teens, I can sympathize with your frustration with and concern for your son. Every teen is different and God reaches all of us in different ways. From what I have learned in working with teens, I have some thoughts that are more general. You will need to adapt these ideas, through prayer, to see what will work best with your child.
The situation you are in requires a lot of thought and prayer. I am sure that you have given this much of both already. In situations where an individual's heart seems closed, it is really only through prayer that conversion can take place. I am often reminded of St. Monica's prayers for her son, St. Augustine. She prayed for years that he would embrace faith, and he did more than simply become a Christian! So, I encourage you to continue to pray and even consider doing a special novena for your son and his girlfriend.
In speaking directly to your son about the issue, I think it's good that you have reminded him of all the negative consequences that come with sex outside of marriage. Although you might have already done this, I would also stress the positive benefits he would gain from choosing chastity and stopping the sexual activity. Since he is living in your home and you continue to feed him, I think you have a right to ask him for family time once a week or more often - time to be together, but also time to share your faith and hopes for his life. I do not think it would be too much to ask him to read through and discuss materials with him on this topic. If you always approach it as, "I love you so much that I want you to have the best, to not miss out on everything God has in store for you...", he might be open to your thoughts. You cannot make his sexual decisions for him, but it is your job as a parent to inform him as much as possible as to the gravity of such choices.
Here are some things you can consider reading with him. Ask him to read it and then the two of you can discuss it afterwards. I would be prepared with some questions to ask him and make sure you listen well to his responses before expecting him to listen well to your perspective.
Books:
A Case for Chastity
Pure Love by Jason Evert
Pure Manhood by Jason Evert
If You Really Loved Me by Jason Evert
(all these books can be easily purchased online at amazon or half.com)
Articles:
Do you hate rules?
We're in love - what's wrong with going further?
What if I want a second chance?
Does chastity include tight clothes and making out?
Chastity gives you freedom?
Are you the exception?
I'm in Love
Jason Evert's website Pure Love Club answers a lot of great questions, too (from a guy perspective as well)
Read through these personally and decide which ones you think would be best for your son and at what time. The titles may not seem to directly apply to his situation, but the content might be helpful. If he asks you other questions in your discussions, refer back to the REAP Team website and we might have answered something similar in our list of Questions from Teens.
The bottom line in speaking with your son is to keep the positive focus of chastity. Instead of feeling like you're trying to stop him from bad behaviors, focus on how much more he deserves. Instead of focusing on the negatives of promiscuity, focus on everything he is missing out. Instead of approaching him with, "I love you, but I don't want you to do this...", say, "Because I love you so much, I want you experience so much more." Your meetings with him to discuss the relationship and your concern is rooted in your love for him and his future. As a mom, you will never stop loving him. And, because of your love for him, you cannot support this decision of his. If he wanted to do other harmful things to himself or others, he would expect your disapproval. In regards to his sexuality, there is no difference.
One of the teens on the REAP Team also recommended that you take a very personal interest in your son's girlfriend. Invite her to join some family fun time together. Try to have good one-on-one conversation with her about her interests, family and schoolwork. If she experiences an accepting love from you - for who she is, which is different from accepting what she is doing - she may struggle more with disappointing you and your hopes for your son's future and for her future. If this seems very challenging to you, pray that God opens your heart to this girl and that He provides opportunities for you to show her genuine interest and love.
I agree that you should not be convinced that he will continue having sex as if he is incapable of love and making good decisions. Once you accept this choice of his, he will feel much more free to continue his sexual behavior. You can recognize when your son is making bad choices, but you do not need to support such choices.
Lastly, although this might be the most difficult, I encourage you to limit your discussions on his sexual decisions to certain times. If he feels like you are constantly viewing him as a bad kid or that you're constant disappointed in him, it'll be very difficult for him to be around you. In your love for him, try to limit your conversations about his sexual behavior so that you have ample positive interactions with him about other aspects of his life. Creating good family game nights or time to do fun things he enjoys will go a long way in him being open to you.
I will continue to pray about your situation, as I fear that most of us in parenthood will face similar situations. So, your concern is very dear to my heart and has led my husband and I to discuss what we would do if our son was making the same choices. I certainly do not believe I have all the right answers, but hope that this is at least encouragement for you to continue loving your son and desiring the best for his life.
Heather Gallagher Vento