Kelley - A Married Woman Looks Back

Trust and Respect

Married life is sooooo incredibly awesome when you 100% trust and respect your spouse. While I was dating, one of my biggest fears was how to find a spouse that I could 100% trust not to cheat on me. It seemed like so many married couples had either been divorced or had affairs outside their marriage. I heard all of the statistics of how many men had cheated on their wives once or more. With these types of statistics, even if I found the one man that might stay faithful, how could I trust him if he stayed late at work unexpectedly or came home late? Has it just become accepted practice? Am I just expecting too much? I was sometimes very depressed over the matter and did a lot of praying. What I found was that God answered my prayers through my decision to lead a chaste life.

My husband and I dated for almost six years before we were married. During that time we both went to colleges in separate states and dated a few other people. However, because of our decision to wait for sex until marriage, we developed a strong sense of trust and respect for each other. Respect is never earned for things that are easy to do. Sex is easy to do; even animals know how to have sex. Waiting for sex until marriage is not easy to do. My husband’s commitment to wait showed me his respect for his future wife (me) and for the gift of sexuality. If he respected sex enough to abstain outside of marriage, how much greater would his commitment be inside of marriage. (To the contrary, if someone felt that it was not that big of a deal to have sex with his or her partner while in a dating relationship, how can I expect that same person to feel that sex is a BIG DEAL inside of marriage.) This respect naturally brings along trust. There have been many times in my marriage where my husband comes home later than expected or runs errands and I am not sure exactly where he is. However, there is never a thought that crosses my mind resulting in doubt of his faithfulness to me. Likewise, I have a job that has recently required me to put in a lot of long hours with a few men that I work with. My husband could easily be jealous of this time (a lot of the other spouses are), but he knows of my respect for him and our marriage. Most of all, he knows that I do not take sex lightly. I have been committed all of my life to have sex with just him. I would not change that now. Although we don’t have as much time together recently as we’d like to have, the time we do have is wonderful.

Relationship Development

It seems to me that once my friends had sex with their boyfriend, the majority of their dates seemed to revolve around finding time for sex. This takes away from the development of a lot of other important components of a relationship. When my husband and I went on dates we had to find a lot of other things to do. We worked very hard at finding ways to make each other happy. We talked continually and really got to know each other’s hopes, dreams, beliefs, and struggles (including abstinence). Developing a solid relationship does not happen overnight. It takes a lot of work. When a person decides to become a doctor, they do not start by performing a surgery and then try to catch on to medical terminology, philosophies, and procedures afterwards. The same is true with relationships.

Things I Didn’t Want to Experience

When sex occurs outside of marriage, there is no definition of the commitment associated with the act. It seems to me that one party always seems to think that sex is more of a commitment than the other. I have so many friends that experienced a lot of anger, pain, anxiety, etc. from these types of relationships. I did not want to expose myself to that kind of pain. Unfortunately, many of my friends still carry the emotional scars from those relationships even though it is several years and boyfriends later. I am so thankful that I have lived my life with no serious regrets. Without that kind of excess baggage, it is much easier for me to give myself fully to my husband. There are no hidden emotions or fears.

I also did not want to suffer with comparison. Every time someone has sex with another, they give a small portion of themselves away. I did not want to worry about comparing my husband to previous experiences. What an awful feeling it must be for someone to be married to a person they love but is not the best lover they have ever had. I can truly say my husband is an awesome lover. He is the best!

Something Special

I also wanted to make my wedding day and my marriage something special. In today’s world, it seems that nothing is worthwhile unless we can have it now. Thus, we have credit cards, fast cars, beepers, etc. There is a lot to be said for the appreciation we feel for something we have worked really hard for and waited a long time to obtain. I know that the candy I would buy with the money I saved from my allowance always tasted better than the candy Mom would buy at the store. In the same way, I took much better care of the Nike tennis shoes that I worked really hard to save for than the ones that Mom picked up while we were out shopping. The same concept is true with marriage and sex. When you work very hard on a relationship and wait for sex until your wedding day, there is something magical that takes place. It is not just a one-day excitement. It is an appreciation and care that lasts for years. My husband and I have been married over two years and we still feel that magic. We continually thank God for our wonderful marriage and we appreciate every day. That’s not to say there aren’t days that are difficult. However, I truly believe that God has an abundance of special blessings that he pours down on couples that have made the long journey. Jesus’ journey wasn’t easy either, but it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worthwhile. I am sure glad Jesus made his journey and I am very glad that my husband and I have made ours.