Is oral sex okay?
Q: Is oral sex okay if I want to live chastity as a teenage guy?
A: First of all, thank you for writing with a very common question these days. I will do my best to answer why oral sex is not “okay” for a chaste teen or adult.
I hope you don’t mind some brutal honesty… Yes, oral SEX is a sin. Notice it is described as “sex.” Any term including “sex” is an impurity outside marriage, such as phone sex, cyber sex, etc. Many young people today want to avoid “going all the way” and believe oral sex to be the solution because it doesn’t cause pregnancy or spread some STD’s (yet, some STD’s are still passed on). But, don’t be fooled by the many people who have oral sex without any worries or concerns. And, don’t believe former President Clinton, when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinski”…he DID—oral sex is sex. Since any type of sex is more than just a physical act, the consequences are more than just whether or not a disease was transferred.
Those who have oral sex are breaking God’s commands…they turn from His plan when involved in this act. God wants us to keep sex in marriage because he wants to 1. protect us 2. give us the best in the long run.
*Note: Oral sex and stimulation are different. Oral stimulation within marriage may be used in “foreplay” – not ending on it’s own, but leading up to fulfillment in intercourse. Sex in marriage should always include openness to the potential for new life. Oral sex is an act that does not end in intercourse.
As mentioned before, God’s guidelines include protecting us from any disease (although there is less chance w/oral sex); and he wants to protect us from the emotional harm. Oral stimulation is very personal, private and extremely intimate—just think about what’s happening! When you share this with someone, you will be very vulnerable and should be bonding tremendously with this individual. If oral stimulation or sex occurs outside marriage, and then the relationship ends, it can often be just as heart breaking as if you’d had intercourse (especially for girls—women are more emotional, as I’m sure you know). For more on emotional consequences that both guys and girls can experience when oral sex or intercourse takes place, read What They Haven’t Told Me About Sex.
God wants us to have the best in the future, especially in regards to our sexuality. He wants us to be completely fulfilled in marriage, even in our sex life. Therefore, the more value we put on any sexual acts before we are married, the more value they will have to us in marriage. When you are with your spouse, doing something sexual, do you want it to be just something you’ve already done with several people, and is “no big deal”? If you chose to start doing sexual acts, especially at a young age, it is almost automatic that the acts loose value every time you experience them. Also, in marriage, or in the religious vocation, God doesn’t want us to deal with the haunting of past experiences. And, the memory of something so intimate as oral stimulation or sex does not leave people easily.
Even if the person you are dating might want to give you oral sex, don’t be fooled into believing that it is harmless. Do what is best for you, your conscience, your relationship with God, your future marriage and relationships, and for the person you are dating (even though she doesn’t see the wisdom in saying “no” right now). Personally, I truly respect guys who step forward to do what is best for me, even if I don’t always want it. They are the guys I trust, I would give my heart to, and I eventually want to marry. They’re fun to date, too, because I don’t have to worry about them taking advantage of me in any way.
Lastly, I encourage you to give this to God in prayer. Trust in God’s plan…that it IS the best for you. Many girls you meet might like it that you don’t want to “go there.” Each woman might truly learn to believe that your choice is out of respect for her—I hope this is the case. If not, if a woman doesn’t value your decision to stay chaste…you need to be honest with her about your standards. And if she still pressures you…move on. There are SO MANY young ladies out there looking for guys with genuine respect for their sexuality. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t appreciate your chivalry.
Again, pray before talking to any girl you date, that God gives you strength, and know that Jesus is always with you through the Holy Spirit. Jesus was tempted in every way, but never sinned. Lean on Him and call out His name (in a whisper or your mind) when you’re struggling—that’s helped me when I was tempted.
I hope this answers your question. I probably wrote a lot more than you wanted, but I like to be thorough. If you have ANY more questions or concerns, please know you can trust me. Take care and God bless you.
By Heather Gallagher
The REAP Team